St. Custard’s College, Oxford
Learn to write a novel. Live in obscurity,
die in penjury. What’s not to like?
This is what happens if you die without finishing your novel
The most sarcastic angel in Heaven.
He stands at arrivals, a cigarette hanging from the corner of his mouth, mites in the feathers of his wings, vestments torn and patched with crude stitches.
‘Name!’ he shouts.
He looks up from his clipboard and gives you a look of withering contempt. ‘Why didn’t you finish your stupid novel?’
And you stammer: ‘I…I…I wasn’t good enough.’
He laughs and sends you to Section 14F where you spend the rest of eternity with the Great Armadillo of Despair snacking on your liver.
Now it may be you are one of those visitors to this site who belong to that blessed tribe of folk whose hearts are unvisited by this particular caterpillar: the ache to cheat mortality by writing a novel.
Oh happy breed!
You can burp and fart your carefree way through life, unbothered by the opinion of the worms waiting in the graveyard.
But what about the rest?
You, my friends, need to act now while the hour is not too late.
The tragic truth is this: you were good enough to write a novel. You just got stuck because you lacked a method. Just as you would get stuck if you tried building a flatpack wardrobe without the instruction leaflet.
You need Gateway to Narnia, my free, ten-part, ‘snackable’ e-course on how to write a novel.
It will give you the method.
Chisel your name into the granite box below and get your first lesson in your inbox an hour from now.
And never send to know for whom the bell tolls, it tolls for thee.
Give the first 1,000 words of your manuscript a professional once-over
It’s your first novel, you’ve poured your heart and soul into it. The last thing you want is for all those year’s of hard work to be rejected because of some easily fixed rookie error. Take a look at the article on the right, published on Medium. And if you agree with the sentiment, send me your first 1,000 pages and for £75 I’ll take a look and make sure it ticks all the right boxes.
Some more articles in similar vein you might find helpful
Pryce really is in a league of
his own—Time Out
Surreal, absurd and very
Marvelously imaginative…You’ll weep and laugh on the same page. Wonderful—GUARDIAN